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It’s back-to-school time, which brings up a whole host of stressors. But how do you know if your stress is turning into something bigger, and what can you do about it? Holy Name psychologist John Fechter has advice.
1. What is burnout, and how is it different from being stressed out?
As a human being, stress is unavoidable. It’s also not always bad. Most of us encounter stress on a daily basis, whether it’s from our work, parental responsibilities, or relationships. It can motivate us to get things done or work in the direction of positive change.
Burnout is simply too much stress in the absence of resources or “tools” to cope. Research has suggested three parts to burnout: exhaustion, cynicism, and the thought that what we’re doing doesn’t matter. We might feel completely drained, distant and detached, less interested, or increasingly negative or pessimistic.
Burnout can also affect us physically and cognitively. We might struggle to concentrate, remember things, or pay attention. It can lead to poor sleep and physical symptoms such as headaches or GI symptoms.
2. How can you find relief when you can't change your circumstances?
Life often feels quite full, and when we have a lot of responsibility – whether it’s at work, home, or both – we might feel like we’re stuck on the hamster wheel of life. Busy people need to get a lot done. But if we’re noticing symptoms of burnout – if feeling tired becomes a chronic sense of exhaustion, if we’re becoming more short-tempered or irritable, if we’re more disengaged or reacting to the world in ways that are out of character – it’s important to think about making attainable changes.
The first step is usually talking about it, whether it’s with your spouse, a family member, friend, or therapist. My wife and I both work full-time and have two young children. We’re not perfect by any means, but we do our best to keep the lines of communication open and express when our tank is nearing empty.
The airplane oxygen mask metaphor is a bit cliche, but it’s true. You have to put your mask on first before helping others. It’s actually an unselfish act. You have to figure out what fills your tank and prioritize that behavior or commitment. And sometimes we have to rely on others. My wife and I talk about shared responsibilities all the time and sometimes have to pick up the slack if one of us is feeling particularly overrun. That might be as small as emptying the dishwasher, giving the other person 15-minutes to go pick up a coffee, or grabbing takeout on the way home. For me, I have to exercise or play sports, ideally at least twice a week. I look at this almost like taking a pill for hypertension: If I don’t get a workout in, I can often feel my mood deteriorating or my reactions to my kids' behaviors becoming more negative.
If we’re busy with a lot of responsibility and don’t prioritize our own needs, it’s just a matter of time before stress becomes chronic stress, and chronic stress becomes burnout. This can often lead to a negative feedback loop that can feel impossible to pull out of.
As a psychologist, of course, I know talk therapy can be helpful for many clients, but it’s also just one piece of the puzzle. Exercise, healthy diet and hydration (limiting alcohol), and good sleep are foundational to mental health. If we don’t prioritize these things, we’re fighting an uphill battle.
3. What does self-compassion do, and why is it important?
Self-compassion is non-judgemental observation and understanding of one’s own pain, failures, and mistakes.
Especially in the area we live that tends to be fast-paced and competitive, there are often expectations about how things should be done. This has been amplified by social media. Most people aren’t posting pictures or sharing stories about the things that are going wrong in their lives; they’re posting the seemingly perfect moments. The stage this sets can become the baseline for what we consider “normal” or the ways things “should” go. But the reality is often much messier, a lot harder, and requires work. It’s important to acknowledge that life is often hard, meaningful things are often hard, and we might fall on our face 10 times – maybe 100 times – before getting it right. And that’s ok.
When we had kids, friends would often ask how things were going. My son, now 2 years old, had really bad reflux as an infant and it took about 10 months for him to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. Looking back, that time was nuts. We were sleep deprived and trying to stay afloat and maintain all our other responsibilities, like taking care of our then 3-year-old, staying engaged at work, etc. I’d often respond that parenthood was the most amazing and most exhausting thing I’ve ever done. Despite challenging us all the time, both my son and daughter have brought a totally new, expansive meaning to love and caring. My wife would say the same. There are moments when they make us want to pull our hair out and there are moments when they bring us pure joy. And that’s life.
4. How can someone get out of a shame spiral for thinking they can't manage it all?
The human mind is evolutionarily primed to judge, plan, worry, feel guilty, and second guess. The planners and worriers were often the ones who lived long enough to procreate, passing on their genes over thousands of years. While the threats have changed, the same primal, fight-or-flight instincts might kick in when we’re late to a meeting, have to present in front of a large group, or miss an important engagement with someone we care about.
The first step is bringing awareness to how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking in the moment. Maybe our heart is racing or we’re engaging in negative self-talk (e.g., “I’m not good enough,” “I’m failing at this,” or “others are going to judge me.”). The next step is acknowledging that uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are a completely normal part of being a human being. We don’t have to fight them; we don’t have to actively try to get rid of them. Research has found that this actually backfires. The more we try not to worry, the more we worry. The practice is bringing awareness and active acceptance to each moment, especially the stressful moments; shifting our attention to what is going on in the here-and-now. The more we can remind ourselves to pause, observe, and ensure we engaging with life intentionally, the more balance we often find.
